How are you ? I am ok (Wait no .. I am not OK!!)

In the recent weeks, I have been struggling on many different levels to make sense of my life. Don’t get me wrong I am in many ways very privileged. I am fortunate to still have my job, and to live in the beautiful city of San Francisco. But, recently quarantine has taken a far darker turn.

I have always been an emotional person. My way of coping with my feelings has always equated to drowning myself in work or just binge watching Netflix.

But these last few days, despite my best efforts, I am barely able to contain my emotions.

I cannot explain the anguish that I felt when I watched those unimaginable 9 minutes when 4 police officers slowly took the life of George Floyd. Chilling anguish.

To be honest I was already balancing on an emotional hedge after months of lock-down, the killing of Amaud Abrey and Breonna Taylor (to name a few). But something inside of me broke after watching the murder of George Floyd caught on tape.

This void inside my broken soul was replaced by tears, rage and countless questions. How can a black life can be so dehumanized? How can this be reality?

In that moment, I also had flashbacks of when I too felt targeted for the color of my skin. Several years ago, I was held at gun point by the UK police. Not because I had done anything wrong- but because it was a late night after work, and I had a hood and headphones on. How suspicious.

Flashbacks to my confusion last year when I was running in New York’s Central Park. Realizing that a cop car had been following me for several blocks. My instant reaction- making my hands visible with the hope of not becoming the next hashtag.

I want everyone to realize my daily reality. The responsibility that I have to not look like a threat when I am running, driving or simply being me- despite living in one of the most liberal cities in the United States.

I want the constant trauma of inequality to resonate in everyone.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that empathy in itself is not the solution. I just wish that we all could all see the injustice people of color face daily. I wish mankind could express more unity and equality toward each other- independently of our skin color, our language, or sexual orientation.

My last wish is that one day my (future) children will not live in fear. Fear of being counted as different, fear of walking on the street late at night. That they never share my daily fears, and that they never be able to imagine having to writing words like these.

This is not a cry for sympathy, but for reflection!!

This is a cry, a plead to all of us. To look inside themselves at preconceptions and biases. We all must reflect in order to build a fair and equal society.